my girlfriend lives on the other side of the world and has started reading crime and punishment by fydor dostoyevski
do you recognise the main characicter? i ask her excitedly - doesn't he remind you of me?
-ive only just begun she ansewers whats his name?
-rodya but all the characters have about 3 different names i always get confused and cant tell who is who because im dislexic and don't make sounds for the names but rodya is for short and his sister is called dunya isn't dunya a butiful name? if little huddie had been born a girl we would of named her Dunya when I talk of the buti of girls names or the strange bravery of artists or see the lite change over sea and sky every second impossible showers of gold turning to terrible hues of purple and black and my hart rate quickens because i am amongst my own people
i am the hero of all my favourite novels i live in them and they live in me i am Arturo bandini on angels flight swearing at a butiful dark haired girl in tattered shoes i am rodya guilty of a terrible and senceless murder on the streets of st peterersburg i am the strange hero of hunger starving to spite myself in christiana i am johan nagel tormentor of the midget and suiside i am ishmail knocker off of tall hats i am every novelist and every character ever dreamed i am everyone of my favorite artists and i feel myself not one jot less but equell to all of them Turner Munch Holbine and Hokusi
naturally I have no heros i am my heros i am my brothers and sisters i feel myself joined by the soul with all buti my hart sings with every brave endevor with the strange wings of impossible butterflys with every rock that breaths life into the world
i stand shoulder to shoulder with all denouncers of meaness i honour spirit and faith and I uphold the glorious amiture i am in love with desperate men with desperate hands walking in 2nd hand shoes serching for god and hearing god and hating god i am a desperate man buckled with fear i am a desperate man who demands to be listend to who demands to connect i am a desperate man who denounces the dullness of money and status i am a desperate man will not bow down to acolayed or success i am a desperate man who loves the simplicity of painting and hates gallarys and white walls and the dealers in art who loves unreasonableness and hot headedness who loves contradiction hates publishing houses and also I am Vincent van gogh hiroshige and every living breathing artist who dares to draw god on this planet